We have all been compared and we have all made comparisons. Often it is done unconsciously, usually with good intentions. None of us would intentionally say or do something that would hurt our children. My goal in writing this is not to cause guilt, but awareness. Babies and young children are very impressionable. A comment by a parent or another important adult in their lives that feels like a comparison is often taken literally and accepted as the truth. The feeling response to the comment gets stored in the body, where it remains buried and unprocessed…out of conscious awareness. If it is negative and remains unconscious, it becomes a limiting belief. If it is positive, it can be empowering. However, even positive comparisons can have a “down side”, causing a child to feel guilty.
I was the oldest child in my family and the oldest grandchild on my father’s side of the family. My parents were very much in love and delighted when I was born. I was very close to my paternal grandmother, as well. So, in my early years I wasn’t the victim of negative comparison. In fact, quite the opposite.
I had an aunt on my mother’s side of the family who was only two years older than I. My Aunt Roselyn (though I never called her that), was always very good to me. I loved being with her. Occasionally, my great Aunt E would take care of us when we played together. Anytime we would color or draw pictures, Aunt E would look at them and say, “Oh, Benni, your picture is even better than Roselyn’s…look at the beautiful colors you used”…or “you’re going to be an artist someday”.
It wasn’t that she liked me better. I believe she did it because I was two years younger and she was trying to encourage me. But when it happened…and it happened often no matter what activity we were involved in, I saw the hurt look on Roselyn’s face. Instead of making me feel better, I felt guilty, anxious, and sad for Roselyn.
I didn’t experience the negative side of comparison until I was in school. My cousin, Jerry sat next to me in the first grade. One day when we were working on our handwriting, the teacher came and stood between our desks. She looked at Jerry’s work, and then mine. She held the papers up side by side and said, “Benni, look how nicely Jerry forms his letters and how neat his work is. You seem to be having a lot of trouble. Maybe Jerry can help you.”
Then she had Jerry move his desk closer to mine so he could work with me. Her intention was good. She was trying to help me. In fact, it wasn’t even overly negative. But, it was a comparison in front of the class, and I felt embarrassed and discouraged. It hurt my self-confidence. The fact that I still remember it today tells me something.
Growing up, I remember being compared positively and negatively, and how they both felt. Obviously, being compared positively felt better, but not great. I was always aware of the impact on the other person or persons and it made me uncomfortable. At times, it caused other’s to resent me.
The comparisons I’ve mentioned are mild, but still had an impact. Children feel the impact of comparison inadvertently throughout their lives. Some children get picked for a club or a team. Others don’t. One friend decides they like another friend better. Couples break up and choose other partners. All of this is a part of life and growing up.
The higher your children’s self-esteem is, the less they will be hurt by disappointments and comparisons. It is the children who are consistently compared negatively (especially if the intention is to “put the child in his or her place” or if there is a preference for one child over the other) that are the most damaged by comparison.
The most important thing you can do when your children are hurt by a comparison, whether directly (like a negative comment) or indirectly (like not being chosen by a club, team, or friend), is to listen to them, support them, and help them see the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow to be the person they were created to be.
As a parent, you are the most important person in your children’s lives. Share some of your own disappointments and experiences of feeling “less than”. Let your children know that you love the unique person that they are, exactly as they are. It is the best gift you can give them.
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