A majority of the questions I receive from parents begin with these three words... “Is it normal…?”
Whether it is an over-emotional teenager or a toddler who refuses to eat, parents want to know if what is happening with their child is typical of other children. In other words, should I be concerned or is this “normal” behavior which translates to “Do I need to be concerned or can I breathe easy?”This is one of the most common pitfalls parents fall into.
Determining your level of concern based on the actions or behavior of another leads to a practice that can become extremely negative in a child’s life.
When parents adhere to a mindset that compares children in any way to others, they are robbing their child of a very important part of the critical and necessary foundation of developing a healthy self-esteem. If a parent thinks in terms of comparing, it will eventually seep out through their attitude and eventually their words they speak to their children.
Children who grow up being compared to others, even when the comparison is intended to positive, begin to see themselves less as a unique individual and more of an extension of the choices of those he/she is being compared to.
Society has committed a disservice to parents by misleading them into believing that a child’s potential is linked to those he/she is connected to, such as older siblings, parents and sometimes even those somewhat removed from everyday life such as grandparents, uncles/aunts or cousins.
For example, have you ever said to your child or heard in another family any of the following statements?
- You are stubborn just like your father.
- You are extremely sensitive like your mother.
- You are just like you sister, she hated math to.
- Our family doesn’t believe in….
- Why can’t you behave like your sister does?
- You run slow like your brother.
- What a beautiful drawing. You’re an artist just like your Uncle Bill!
- All of my children are talented athletes.
The list could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
The message children receive from hearing these kinds of statements undermines their ability to value themselves for “who they are.”
If it is a negative comparison they feel as if they have no control over themselves. They interpret this as a pre-determined fact about themselves that is a direct result of the family they were born into rather than seeing the situation as something that is in response to their choices or preferences.
When the comparison is positive in nature they lose the pride and sense of accomplishment that is rightfully theirs as a result of their choices and see it as a given as a result of who they are connected to.
I remember when my younger brother was born (the first son) and my father wanted to name him after him. My mother was not in favor of this. She was quite adamant about her feelings that this would not be fair to my brother.
She said, “How can we expect him to develop his own identity and self-worth if he goes through life without his own name?” My father won and my brother became a junior.
Years later when my mother and I spoke in length about the importance of parents nurturing and guiding children to be their own person we revisited this topic again.
She shared how she believed that she and my father needed to put a bit more effort into guiding my brother to develop a sense of individuality because she felt he was at a disadvantage by not having a unique name of his own.
Mother said, “Biology dictates what physical characteristics children will have that will publicly connect them to the family they are born to and that is plenty. Children need every opportunity to explore all they desire in order to find what makes them 'tick'.”
She added, “Comparing children to anyone, especially their siblings, is like drawing a line in the sand and labeling them 'good' or 'bad'. It is never a good idea and will risk hurting the relationship between the children because it will instill feelings of resentment. Besides, it interferes with their understanding of their responsibility they have over their lives.”
As parents, our first duty to our children is to empower them with an understanding of their value as an individual.
Whether your child becomes overly-emotional as a teenager or whether they dislike certain foods, it is always a result of what they feel, what they think and what they choose. The choices of others should not have any bearing on what is seen as good, bad, appropriate, inappropriate or NORMAL.
See your child as an individual with his/her own power of choice and guide them to make decisions based on what fits for them and then address each situation as unique to your child…
To provide you with a full and complete understanding of the devastating ramifications of comparing children to those he/she is connected to in life AND to learn the skills to avoid falling into this parenting pitfall, I have written “Mini-Me Syndrome”.
This is a book you will wish you had read years ago!
Don’t let another minute go by without this powerful
information that will have an enormous life-changing impact
your child’s life, now and in the future!
information that will have an enormous life-changing impact
your child’s life, now and in the future!
Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 50 articles on parenting, several of which have attracted international attention, and is a contributor to the parenting section of "The Infinite Field Magazine".
Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives
She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.
Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 700 members. She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".
Pingback: Defining “My Real Dad”
Pingback: A True Teen Tragedy…From “Bobby” to “Barbie”
Pingback: Solutions to The Top Two Parenting Challenges…Time & Patience
Pingback: Is There a Right Way or Wrong Way To Raise Children?
Pingback: Why is the Missing Secret to Parenting Missing?
Pingback: What Do You Do When You Suspect Your Child Has Lied?
Pingback: Dealing with a Fearful Child
Pingback: Five Easy Steps to Create Healthy Family Dynamics!
Pingback: Another Teenage Battle Conquered!