Does Your Child Talk Too Much or Too Little?

by denny hagel on April 17, 2011

Does Your Child Talk Too Much or Too Little? The degree of success of your relationship with your child is not determined by how talkative a child is.   Your child's personality type plays an important role in this.

We all have a different personality type. One of the elements of our personality is how each of us approaches life.

Some are introverts and feel more comfortable in less “out there” situations. Introverted personalities tend to keep their thoughts and feelings in more, a bit closer to the vest. They are more apt to enjoy smaller groups and alone time.
This should not be interpreted to mean that they don’t want to talk or share or even that they can’t…it can simply mean that they have a more subdued approach.

If your child leans toward an introverted approach, this should be respected and only viewed as a problem if he/she shows signs of complete isolation from family and friends or absolute refusal to share thoughts or feelings of any kind at all.
Others are extroverts and have an easier time sharing and voicing their thoughts and feelings…they are more comfortable with others knowing what is going on inside them. They do well in large groups and prefer company rather than being along.
There is no right or wrong in differences of personality. It is a destructive situation when parents who are extroverted expect their children who are introverted to be as forthcoming in conversations as they are.

Without an awareness and understanding of the differences in personalities, parents can inadvertently sabotage the very thing they are trying to create by expecting their children to react or respond as they would in any given situation.
This is something that is commonly overlooked in all relationships. People tend to make judgments and decisions about one another based on the way they approach life.

I remember many years ago when I was attending college and my psychology professor gave an example of a couple who had come to him for marriage counseling. This particular couple had reached the point of wanting a divorce. Counseling was their last effort before filing legal papers.

Their problem revolved around the wife’s feelings that her husband didn’t share his feelings with her. She was an extremely articulate person. Because her husband did not respond in kind when she would express her feelings she interpreted that to mean that he didn’t feel the same way she did.

The professor explained to her their difference was in their approach and not the feelings themselves.

She was a full blown extrovert and her husband was a card-carrying introvert!
In order to explain what this meant in terms of their marriage and ability to communicate, he said, “To ask your husband to express himself as you do would be the same as asking you to NOT express your feelings as he does!”

She got it.

He suggested that she to learn to respect her husband’s natural tendency to be introverted and asked the husband to respect his wife’s tendency to be extroverted.

And that it would be hugely beneficial to their relationship if he would work to share a bit more and if she would work to accept that the differences did not equate being wrong or unfeeling on her husband’s part.

In all relationships, the key is to recognize and respect each other’s differences, discover a way to communicate that is comfortable for both parties whether it is husband and wife or parent and child…and above all always honor your differences.


Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 50 articles on parenting, several of which have attracted international attention, and is a contributor to the parenting section of "The Infinite Field Magazine".

Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives

She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 700 members.  She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and Becoming an Awakened Parent".

  • Olga Hermans

    Great information Denny; last Saturday we discussed the differences of husbands and wives in our small group. A very interesting subject. I t can be very frustrating when married people are not informed and it can create huge problems which are not necessary. People perish because they lack knowledge, isn’t it?

  • Susan McKenzie

    As a quiet person, I can relate to this article… if I could speak up for other quiet people, I would say to the extroverts (75% of the population) to stop every now and then and take a breath and see if the quiet person wants to talk… and then give them time to talk and don’t pounce in to release your weighty overflow of dialogue too soon… because the introvert is just pausing… they are still flowing. It’s very hard for an introvert to have a say… because we are busy thinking what to say and which words to use… and because we are only 25% of the population the majority often feel we are “shy”… when really it’s just a matter of style. Extroverts think as they speak; introverts think before they speak. Such a simply but dynamic difference and one to take to heart… thanks, Denny… well done, as always!

  • Claudia Looi

    I can relate to this article Denny. When my children were young, they were very quiet compared to my neighbors kids. I was really concerned and always tried to train them to speak up. It did not work! I didn’t accept their personalities and my actions did more harm than good to these young lives. Remember, I was the Tiger Mother until few years ago. When I backed off, respected them and let them be themselves, they flourished…my son is an out-spoken young man today at 13. Because in the last 7 years, he was let to flourish without being criticized by his mother(me).

  • Denny

    Thanks for sharing Claudia, how blessed your children are to have a mother who chose to do better…and now they are living proof of the wisdom of your choice!

  • Denny

    Well said Susan! The key of course is for each to grow more toward the other, creating a wonderful balance and open line of communication!

  • Denny

    You are so right Olga, there are so many people suffering from so many problems that could be resolved and avoided through information and understanding. Very sad.

  • Elvie Look

    You are such a wise woman and always have so many wonderful articles and points of view to share. I love it. Thanks…. I think I was/am an extrovert. 😀

  • Denny

    Thanks for your kind sweet words Elvie!

  • Scott Hay

    Great article and message. It’s so important to embrace and honour the differences between each other. I have 2 brothers and a sister all with different personalities but appreciate, respect and love our different personalities.

  • DebPilgrim

    Another great article Denny and fabulous message to share with us. Thank you…

  • Anonymous

    Denny, this kind of labeling (introvert, extrovert, etc.) is part of what later has to be cleared out when people are adults and wonder why they stubbornly resist different types of healthy personal growth and behavior. As you and I have discussed, YOU try to prevent the problems in childhood … and I try to fix them in adulthood. What a team!

  • Denny

    Absolutely Sharon! Together we can change the world! Ha! :)

  • Denny

    I appreciate you stopping by and commenting Deb!

  • Denny

    Thanks Scott, That really is the key…loving the differences!

  • Carol Rosenberg Giambri

    Denny, As adults there are many personality inventory tests and I do believe it’s important to know where a person is at. For kid we have to help them without giving them a label: talks too much or too little; quiet or noisy. Letting them evolve will make them more comfortable in their “own” skin and not be a personality they are not comfortable with. I still hear labels spoken to me, but I accept who I am. As a kid I wa a suppressed personality due to my background and now I have evolved to who I really am supposed to be. Thanks Denny.

  • Denny

    Great points Carol, and that is the goal…to understand the differences we all have in order to respect, honor and love everyone where they are for who they are rather than to judge them or mis-interpret them because they are different than we are!

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  • Pat Moon

    Denny, thanks for bringing different personality types to our attention. This article can be applied to all relationships and brings to light why some people clash… more understanding of who we are and who they are will definitely make life flow smoother.

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