Before you vote in the next election please consider this…

Raising Children to be strong and resilient in a world that is so off balance is keeping many parents awake at night. If you read the papers or watch the nightly news you hear about the horrors parents always have in the back of their minds. Drugs, suicides, violence and corruption dominate the airwaves. Sadly, statistics show that more and more people are actually choosing not to have children because of the situation our society is in.

So, how do those of us who do have children protect them from these horrors? Parents are realists and know they can’t be with their children 24 hours a day. As hard as we try, as much energy we put forth, the statistics are on the rise. There are as many answers and explanations as there are "experts" in the area of raising children. But let’s face it…for the most part, they are not working…studies and statistics prove it.

My granddaughter, Kaitlyn, age 14, is studying the birth of our country in school. As part of the curriculum she is required to follow the political campaigns that are currently in process.

One evening after watching a recap of one of the debates (her assignment) she turned to me and asked, “Why do some people who always speak about their huge faith in God judge other people?” That was a tough one to answer…

And it got me to thinking about the role models we are placing in our children’s lives. Understanding the impact our actions and choices have in their lives as committed parents we do our best to be our best in the eyes of our children and then strangely somehow dismiss the fact that we elect people as our leaders that too often fall short of what we as parents deem acceptable and appropriate.

This is not a Democrat, Republican or Liberal issue…this is an issue of humanity and what we want our children to look up to.

Over the years I have been appalled when I hear people discussing the scandals that erupt in our leader’s lives. They respond with things like, “Just because he had an affair doesn’t mean he is not good at his job!” or “Maybe he is a poor husband and father but he can still be a good Senator!” But my all time favorite is when I hear people say, “Just because he can’t be trusted by his wife and children doesn’t mean he can’t be trusted in Washington!”

And my reply is this…Do you tell your children it is okay to lie and deceive their family at home as long as they bring home good grades from school?

But when we vote for people who are lacking in moral values and judgment aren’t we sending our children that message?

These are the people, by way of our votes, that are the people we are presenting to our children as people to respect, trust and most of all represent us. Don’t we have a greater responsibility to our children than we do any political affiliation.

Before you vote in any of the elections, whether locally or nationally, along with the critical issues our country is dealing with, as responsible parents and citizens we must also put weight into the type of role models we are electing as our representatives to lead our country.

I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions! Please scroll down and share in the comment section.

The topic of kids and competition is one that has been debated for a long time. Some say it is healthy, some feel it is harmful. And until recently when my granddaughter Kaitlyn (age 14) began playing volleyball on a statewide traveling team I simply enjoyed reading and hearing the differing viewpoints. But now the debate has entered my own family!

This past weekend Kaitlyn played her first tournament. It was a big deal. The families stayed at the Wide World of Sports Resort at Disney and the tournament was held at the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex Orlando. There were teams from all over the state…some paying as much as $2000.00–$5000.00 to play! It was a two day event with Kaitlyn’s team playing a total of 12 games. They played well but lost in their division.  

As the weekend came to a close the families and players gathered with their coaches for a wrap-up session. And as the coaches began reviewing the girl’s performance, pointing out their strengths and giving praise and mentioning weak areas that they would be focusing on in upcoming practices, some of the parents began making comments such as “They need to be more competitive!”, “The aren’t competitive enough!” and one parent said, “They played as if they didn’t know this was a competition!”  

I found this both interesting and unsettling. Until then the girls were happy and smiling and saying what a great time they had. They were excited to get back to practices looking forward to working on the areas the coaches had mentioned. After hearing the parent’s comments, however, they felt confused and discouraged. At one point the girls began looking at each other in terms of the mistakes they had made and became upset with them for how they performed. It was just short of finger pointing saying “You cost us points!”

I was thrilled when the coaches wrapped up the meeting by recapping the weekend, ending on a positive note saying how proud they were of them…the girls left smiling, thank goodness.

This experience prompted me to really examine the concept of being competitive and whether it is healthy or harmful. I contacted the majority of the parents to learn more about their thoughts.

There were those who believe that competition is healthy and children need to be pushed to be competitive in preparation for the world when they reach adulthood. They were adamant that life is full of competition and if their child is not able or willing to compete they will suffer when they enter the job market.

There were also parents who believed that the purpose of any game is to win. They admittedly could not see the point of being happy if you lose. Several stated they just wanted their daughter to have an enjoyable experience and a few were glad to see that losing had not interfered with the bond that had developed amongst them.

For the most part none of this was new to me. These are the same perspectives I have heard and read about over the years. But what I did find astonishing was the first hand view of the effect of parents pushing their children has on their attitudes…not just about the game but about themselves and their peers.

So for me, the debate is not so much about whether or not being competitive is healthy or harmful but how does being pushed to be competitive affect a child’s self-esteem and self-perception.

Some people are born competitors and others are not. That is a fact. That does not mean that those who do not possess the internal drive to win can’t increase their desire to excel just as those who are overly driven to always be on top can’t learn to ease up a bit. In that regard I believe finding a healthy balance is necessary.

The really interesting point was uncovered when I asked parents the following question:

Do you feel there is value in your child participating without a heightened sense of competitiveness?

7 out of 10 parents eventually came around to the fact that it was their competitiveness that pushed them to push their children…that in the end what they really wanted was for their children to be happy.

Wrap Up

We all want our children to succeed in everything they do but we must keep in perspective their overall emotional health. The pressure to perform to someone else’s standards is the gateway to feeling inadequate and less than. If this is rooted in their primary relationship, their family, where they are looking and needing unconditional love we have missed the boat on our role in our children’s lives.

First and foremost our children need our support and guidance. They need to know they are wonderful just as they are for simply being who they are. If a child has a competitive nature and finds pleasure in high level competition that is who he is and it should be respected. The same applies to children who are not competitive by nature. Respecting and honoring our children where they are is the definition for unconditional love.

The only competition that is truly healthy and beneficial is the one we choose to place on ourselves. Every single one of the girls on Kaitlyn’s team expressed a desire to practice and become better at what they love to do. They had done their best, saw areas to work to improve and were excited to do just that.

Four of the ten parents said to me, and I am paraphrasing, “I couldn’t believe the girls were actually smiling and patting each other on the back when they lost…I would have been devastated!”

Honestly, I felt the reaction of the girls was the healthiest reaction one could choose. They played hard to the best of their ability and were proud of themselves and each other for their efforts!

“The difference between the right word and the almost right
word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.”
                                                ~Mark Twain

Removing these 3 small but powerful words, “No, Not & Don’t” will have a huge impact on your child’s life.

Aside from the physical care and affection we show our children as infants, the sound of our voice becomes an important part of the source of our bond with them. Connecting the sound of our voice with having their needs met allows them to feel safe and secure. This becomes their first experience of trust in their new world.

Eventually these sounds are interpreted by them and have meaning as they begin to learn vocabulary. The words we use when speaking to our children set the example for words they eventually say back to us. Communication through words is a major part of how we build our relationship with our children. We use words to teach, explain and relate (Although my mother had a look that spoke a thousand words!).

Most parents will acknowledge that the very first word they stressed to their children was “NO!” Although it comes from love and a desire to protect, without realizing or intending it, this can have a very negative effect on the child.

In his book, Law of Attraction, (which by the way I highly recommend) because we live in a Universe of attraction, Michael Losier recommends that we remove the negative language from our lives. He suggests that we start by omitting the following three words:

*No

*Not

*Don’t

Although small, they are very powerful words.

When you use the words, “No, Not, and Don’t” you are focusing on what you don’t want instead of what you do want, which immediately changes the focus of your intention from positive to negative. Rather than saying “No”, redirect your children by telling them what you do want them to do.

The following are examples of removing negative words and using the redirecting process:

The first word to remove is "No!"

 1. If your toddler is wanting to climb on top of the coffee table and you obviously see the danger in this, redirect your child by taking his hand and saying “Let’s sit on the couch” rather than harshly stating “No, don’t climb on the coffee table!”

2. If your child wants a piece of candy, instead of saying “No, you can’t have that, it is full of sugar” you could say “Come sit at the table with Mommy and I will get you some grapes.”

Of course we all recognize how much easier it is for parents or caregivers to just say “No!” But remember, because we live in a Universe of attraction what you focus on and what you put your attention on becomes reality. So, it is important to put your attention on what you do want from your child and express that to them.

In addition, by eliminating the word “No”, the benefits of starting your children’s life experiences focusing on the positive will set the tone of a loving positive attitude rather than a sharp negative one. 

The second word we need to omit is the word “Don’t.”

When you turn it around and rephrase it by stating “please pick up your toys” you have said the same thing in a positive way and in a way that puts the focus on what you want them to do. 

The third word to eliminate is “not.”

An example of this would be when someone is intending to improve a certain area of their life.

For instance, if you are challenged with being on time and you tell yourself repeatedly…“I will not be late”…”I will not be late”…you are really putting the focus on being late! The positive would of course be to say, “I will be on time.”

Paying attention to the words we use is not only important in attracting what we want instead of what we don’t want, but that words are also important because of the feelings they generate when they are used, both in the one speaking them and to the one hearing them.

As we know, limiting beliefs or negative mental habits begin in childhood as a result of thoughts that are reinforced with emotion. With that in mind, we can see that a positive request to do something rather than a negative demand can create a desire in the child to do what you request as well as promote a positive mindset.

Putting this into practice:

Although it may sound simple enough to stop using these tiny little words, often parents find it difficult. Making changes in our lives, even ones that we can see as beneficial is not always easy. And as it is with anything, change begins within our mind…

When we shift our perception of our role in our child’s life, our vocabulary automatically changes too.

 A parenting mindset that ignores the individuality of children and instead sees children as beings to mold according to our beliefs and ideas is based on controlling which is acted out by issuing orders and commands.

Using these 3 negative words is almost always used in the context of a command or order. And more often than not are met with a negative response or reaction. Hence the Law of Attraction at work!

In contrast, when the parenting mindset honors and respects the individuality of children and therefore sees the parent’s role as one to guide and nurture, our choice of words reflects positive aspects. 

“I would rather you play that outside!”
“We are ready to eat dinner, perhaps you can go outside afterwards!”
“Let me show you an easier way to do that…”

When parents adopt a healthy parenting mindset that is based on respect honor, trust and unconditional love, negative words have little place. Change your parenting mindset and the words will follow!

The Missing Secret To Parenting provides information and tools to examine and improve the health of your mindset in order to be sure you are being the parent your children deserve!

The Missing Secret to Parenting

Skills, tools, insights and strategies to
BE the Best Parent YOU Can Be

$47.77

 

Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 100 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 24 countries.

Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives

She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members.  She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: Conflict Prevention/Resolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".

 

Have you ever witnessed a parent verbally mistreating their child in public? For me, this is the most uncomfortable feeling …Until recently I was always confused as to how to respond if at all. For the most part I would try to ignore it while in my mind pray for the child.

This past week I posted this article in my Face Book group, "Awakened Parenting Discussion Group" and decided to post it here as well for everyone to read. I believe it provides a positive reminder that we can all learn from. I know I did.

A few months ago I was in a local dept store (Christmas shopping) when I overheard a mom just screaming at her son (about 5). He wanted something and her lack of patience came across extremely hateful. I was mortified. I really don’t know what came over me but I found myself going over to the aisle where they were looking at sporting goods. Although her voice had lowered when I entered the aisle they were in, they continued arguing about why her son couldn’t have the baseball bat he wanted. I pretended to be looking at some baseball equipment and eventually she looked my way. I said nothing and just smiled at her. Although obviously distraught, she smiled back, nodding as if to say "KIDS!!”

I took the opportunity to respond by asking if SHE was okay. Immediately tears began to appear in her eyes…I could see that she felt bad for the way she had treated her son. I asked her if I could help…was there someone I could call for her. She said no, that she would be okay. A few moments passed as she gathered her emotions and wiped the tears from her cheeks…And then she added, "Just having someone show concern for ME feels good…I know I sounded like a monster but I’m really not. I am alone raising my son and sometimes I just don’t feel like I am good enough to do it all. I shouldn’t take it out on my son though."

At that point she bent down hugged her son and told him she was so sorry for screaming at him. My heart was breaking for them both.

I quietly went on with my shopping feeling much better about the situation.

About an hour later I was in the checkout line and someone tapped me from behind. It was the same mom. She said, "I just wanted to thank you for smiling at me rather than judging me. It was just the touch of humanity I needed to get my attention as to how I was making my son feel by being so hurtful toward him."

This was a huge lesson for me. I have spent the biggest part of my adult career advocating for children. Through my experiences of focusing so much on the well-being of children I had forgotten that for the most part parents do the best they can. This mom in particular reminded me that even though parents make mistakes, they are human too.  

Do I condone hateful screaming at children? Of course not. But I think we tend to forget that parents need the same thing we advocate for our children…care, support and love. I never realized the most powerful and best tool I have is a simple smile.

For me, from now on, should I witness a parent verbally out of line with their children I won’t hesitate to extend a smile and an offer of support…it may be just what is needed to diffuse a negative situation that could escalate to something worse.

When we suspect someone we love has lied to us, it is the most unsettling feeling there is. Nothing negatively affects a relationship more than the loss of trust. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, friend, partner, spouse or child when you have lost the trust factor it is devastating.

The third is to accept the reality that everyone has lied at least once in their life. If you were to tell me that you have never ever lied in your whole entire life, I would dare to say you were lying!! Have you ever told someone they looked great when you really didn’t think they did? Or maybe said you were fine when you really felt miserable? Another point to consider is also the boundaries and definition you apply to the act of lying. Some have a hard and fast rule that anything other than the cold hard facts is lying. Others have accepted what is commonly called “white lies”.

• Did they purposely attempt to mislead you? And if so, why?
• Were they trying to avoid getting in trouble?
• Were they trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings?
• Were they simply wanting something that they otherwise felt would not be acceptable?

A common concern of parents regardless of the age of their children is a dread of the inevitable teen years. I always cringe a bit when I hear the depth of the worry and fear expressed…as if it is a given that all teenagers will become completely unraveled and ruin their lives forever. This mindset is not healthy nor is it necessary. But mostly it is not fair to teenagers.

• Do not buy into the generalization that all teens become monsters. It is important to remember we live in a universe of attraction and what you focus on and put your energy on is what becomes your reality. Envision what you do want!

• Don’t panic and feel as though this is the end of your relationship with them, see this time as a time of transition for them that they will get through. Remind yourself that the teen years are another stage of development each one of us goes through, just as learning to walk without holding your hand was or learning to be responsible for their grades in school. The teen years are natural and important and as the saying goes…  "This too shall pass!"

Happy Happy 2012!!

Part of my nature is the love of learning; in fact I probably have more books in my home than all of my friends put together. (I even rescued an entire public library of books once because I couldn’t stand the thought of all of that amazing information being destroyed!)

What I have seen in 2011 is that now that this mindset is becoming widely accepted, parents want to know more about how to create and maintain a positive parenting mindset. The interest in my published work, both articles and e-Books has more than doubled in the last 6 months alone. This is so incredibly exciting to me!

• The first oil I tried was Lemon oil that completely removed my teenage granddaughter's long time battle with acne. This changed her life as you can imagine…increased her confidence and self-esteem beyond what I could have ever hoped for.
• The second oil I tried was Lavender. My daughter was always one who struggled with insomnia and had gone from one sleep aid to another without relief. A few drops of Lavender at night on her wrists and ears and she slept through until morning. She hadn't experienced that since she had been a teenager.
• The third oil was the one that really got my attention. For years I had struggled with chronic pain in my neck and shoulders from nerve damage as a result of a car accident back in the late 90's. I was told it would get progressively worse and other than pain medication there was nothing to be done. My physical activity became limited in many ways. I read about and tried Deep Relief oil. It is a roll on so with just a few swipes of the oil over my neck and shoulders and within minutes the pain was virtually gone!

And so that is what I have done. I am so thrilled that so many of you have taken an interest in them.Young Living oils have not only allowed me to provide the means to attain safe and natural physical relief to my family, I have even been able to earn an extra income by simply sharing what I experience. Knowing I am no longer dumping chemicals into my family and that I am providing them with nutritional supplements to ward off the many toxins in our environment has been one of the most invaluable discoveries of my life! If you haven't already, I invite you to click here and start now!

The Missing Secret to Parenting

Skills, tools, insights and strategies to
BE the Best Parent YOU Can Be

$47.77

 

Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 100 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 28 countries.

Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives

She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members.  She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: Conflict Prevention/Resolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".

Being able to successfully convey our ideas, opinions, suggestions, solutions and products to one another is totally dependent on one key factor…the relationship we have with the other person.

How would this attitude and mindset affect the probability of your teenager being willing or able to connect with you?

• Are you inviting them in?
• Are you demonstrating how much you care?
• Have you developed a sense of trust?
• Are they convinced that you truly want to help them?