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Preventative Parenting Now Will Avoid Problems Later!

denny hagel — Sun, 13 May 2012 21:24:23 +0000

I recently came across a paper I had written in college addressing the impact parents have in their children lives. It describes a parenting analogy that I believe is a critical message for today's parents!

It said…

“Parenting is the cultivation of a human soul in physical form.”

It went on to explain that if you plant a seed and ignore the need of daily watering and sunshine it should not be a surprise that the seed does not mature into the amazing plant it is intended to be. Just as when a child’s mind, body and soul are not daily nourished with the necessary teachings and guidance it should not be a surprise that the child doesn’t develop into the amazingly successful and happy human being that they were intended to be.

Preventative parenting means just that…what you choose to do now as you raise your children will greatly impact what happens down the road. Just as you care for anything else in your life the small steps taken each day will avoid problems later on.

Throughout my work of over 25 years helping parents the most common reaction and response I have heard is that they just don’t have the time to relate to and guide their children the way they would like to. And so they do all they can…

How many times have you heard or read about a new parenting strategy or more effective way to parent your children only to walk away feeling “If I only had the time…”? The new approach is obviously a more positive and beneficial way not only for your child but for your relationship with them as well. BUT, ah yes there’s that ‘but’ again…

It doesn't have to be that way…

Think about all the things you invest your time in every single day to prevent problems later on…

We carefully monitor the foods we eat for optimum physical health.
We take the time to have our vehicles serviced to ensure a smooth running engine.
We dutifully perform at our jobs in order to receive the compensation we need to maintain our financial obligations.
We fertilize our lawns and weed our gardens because we know if we don’t our yards will not look their best.
We make sure our homes are cleaned weekly because we know if we don’t the dirt will build up and become much more difficult to clean after 2 weeks.

We do all of these things because we know that we must in order to produce the results that we want… a healthy body, a reliable automobile, a stable income, an appealing yard and a clean pleasant environment to live in.

My Dad used to refer to it as ‘preventative maintenance’.

Investing the time now in order to avoid problems later on is simply common sense he would say.

And the same theory applies to raising our children. The choices we make each day will determine the quality of life they will have as they develop and grow throughout their formative years.

Believe me there’s no judgment intended here. I know too well, being a business woman in our offline family business, a parenting coach in my online business and a grandmother raising and homeschooling two teens that time is not easy to come by.

But, as parents, just as we know the value in taking the time, making the time to devote to the necessary steps in order to avoid having to purchase a new car because the engine blew due to a lack of oil or having to re-landscape our lawn because the grass and shrubs died from a lack of fertilizer, we must also understand that what we choose not to give to our children now will undoubtedly negatively surface later on in their lives.

Too often parents feel a false sense of security believing that because their children are performing well academically, establishing friendships and are involved in outside activities that all is well. In fact many use these three things as a barometer of not only their happiness but their over-all well being.

However that is not the case. Research and studies show that the majority of adults struggle everyday with issues that began during childhood. In fact some adults go through life experiencing unhappiness and frustration because of beliefs and perceptions so deeply rooted in their subconscious that they never become aware of their issues. They see their choices in life as reasonable and logical and assume the victim role that their unhappiness is the fault of others.

It truly is my belief that parents sincerely want to do all that is necessary to provide their children with everything they need to create a happy, healthy and successful life. With that being said, however, for the most part parents are not willing to make the time to implement the necessary elements of parenting that will do just that.

As a society we must ask ourselves why not. Why will we make the time to get the car into the shop for maintenance, take the time to clean the house and care for the yard and invest a good deal of effort into providing our children with the most nutritional foods available?

Isn’t the emotional well-being of our children equally as important? I can honestly say I don’t know of a single parent who wouldn’t answer with a resounding YES!

It’s not that we don’t love our children or want the best for them; it is because we don’t fully understand the value or the impact of what they need emotionally until a crisis hits that makes it a nonnegotiable priority. And when that happens our world stops. We are then willing to invest whatever time it takes to remedy the situation, to be there for our children for whatever they need.

When you look at situations such as the Columbine shootings and think of the parents of the boys who pulled the triggers you can bet they are living with more regret than imaginable. Yes, this thank the Lord is an extreme situation, but how much pain and struggle is an acceptable amount for our children to endure because the time was not invested when it counted to prevent it.

I urge all parents to begin today to talk with your children, work with your children and invest in their emotional health. Create an atmosphere of open communication, guide them through the experiences to teach them critical thinking skills and nurture them to be able to achieve a healthy level of self-esteem…a love for themselves and for life.

Yes, preventative parenting will take that bit of extra time now, but in the long run it will not only save time later by avoiding possible crisis but will also save your children from the challenges and struggles they will experience if you don’t.

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Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 100 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 24 countries.

Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives

She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members. She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: C onflict P revention/R esolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".

Easy Tips and Tools to Teach Your Children Time Management!

denny hagel — Sat, 05 May 2012 21:37:11 +0000

Do you ever feel like if you could just get your children to understand the value of managing their time you could let go of a lot of stress?

Whether it is getting ready to go to school, getting ready for bed or doing their homework it can sometimes seem like our job as parents is to be the drill sergeant in the background constantly reminding them of the time and that they need to hurry up!

I would like to share with you a few tips and tools that I have personally used in my own family as well as suggested to many many parents over the years who reached their wits end with constantly struggling to impress upon their children the need to manage their time more efficiently.

The most important thing to remember is that children learn best when they are having fun so let’s be sure you approach this with your children in a light-hearted excited manner rather than one of “Now there won’t be any excuses for you to not be ready on time!”

The first thing is to provide your child with their own digital alarm clock and timer (the kind you wind and use for cooking). Make them gifts with wrapping and all and present them to your child as items reserved for “grown-up” children…kids love to be treated as being older and grown up so this will promote a mindset of pride and excitement right from the start! Do not be concerned if they cannot tell time…they only need to be able to recognize numbers.

(*Note: This process works for children of all ages beginning as young as possible providing they can identify numbers and can be implemented at any age, yes, even teens!)

Next, you are going to work with them to decide how much time they will need to perform specific tasks.

For example, how much time does it take them to get ready for school in the morning? You can talk through all the things they need to do, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed, making their bed etc.

As you talk about it write it out on paper and guide them through the process. Once an agreed amount of time has been reached then decide what time they need to wake up in order to be on time. For instance, if it takes them 45 minutes to complete their morning tasks and they need to be at the bus stop at 7:30 then you know they need to get up no later than 6:30 ( I always added a bit of time for unexpected situations).

Then show them how to operate the alarm clock, setting the time and turning off the alarm when it sounds. Of course you will need to double check this each time but it is important to allow them to feel as if they are responsible for doing it.

The key is to be sure they understand that it is very important to begin their day at the decided upon time. It must be their responsibility to get up and turn off the alarm. Of course it is always best to place the alarm where they can see it from their bed but must get out of bed to shut it off.

Next, get out the paper where you listed their morning duties and the allotted times and with that show them how to set their timer to the amount designated.

For example, if it was determined that they need 15 minutes to eat breakfast then show them how to set the timer for 15 minutes. If the next thing on their list is to brush their teeth and 10 minutes is needed to do this then explain to them that as soon as they are through with breakfast they must hurry to the bathroom, reset their timer for 10 minutes and begin brushing. Do this for all of their morning duties.

This process will take some guidance for awhile until they become familiar with it. Once they become accustomed to the process it is a highly recommended that weekly rewards be given for days they have successfully managed their time. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate reward…just something to give them the incentive and motivation to participate. You will be able to determine what will work best for your family.

Keep in mind that this is intended to be a long term process so not to set yourself or your child up for disappointment or failure. I once had a parent introduce this process to her 6 year old son and promised him at the end of the first week if he had been responsible and cooperative she would take him to a water-slide park! That obviously was highly motivating and her son passed with flying colors, however, the next week her son was thinking he would be rewarded with a trip to Disney and she was thinking she would reward him with an ice cream cone! Ha! Well, as you can imagine, that became a completely new situation that required our attention!!

In time, through repetition of the process your children will learn the “feel” of time passing which is typically very hard for children to grasp (even some adults too!). Eventually they will be able to set this up for themselves when something new arises where they need to be aware of time.

Using this process of teaching your children to be aware of time, respecting their part in managing their time and completing the tasks at hand within an allotted amount of time will go a long way toward teaching them to be responsible for themselves AND reduce your stress level!

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Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parent coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 100 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 24 countries.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members. She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens:Conflict Prevention/R esolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".

Straight Talk on Parenting That You Won’t Hear Anywhere Else!

denny hagel — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 18:20:29 +0000

Are you ready for some straight talk on parenting that you won't hear anywhere else? I would like to begin by apologizing in advance to anyone who might be offended by what follows. I promise you my intention is not to point fingers of blame, lay on a coat of guilt or insult you in anyway.

My intention is simple. I want to raise your consciousness about what is happening with our children, yours and mine and share what we can do about it.

Please stay with me…

We can all agree that our world is getting scarier and scarier…it is much different than the world we grew up in and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight. I don’t feel the need to go into all of the horrors that are happening in our world today…if you are like millions of other parents you know what they are, they are those things that keep you awake at night with worry and concern.

It seems as though everywhere I turn, even in my own email inbox, I see and hear parents throwing their hands up in despair worrying about the things their children face every day and wondering what on earth their children will be faced with when they venture out into this world as young adults.

Here is what we know…

We cannot control outside situations.
We cannot predict the future.
We cannot protect our children 24/7.

Here is what we are doing…

I recently surveyed 50 parents asking them to name something specific they had done to improve their parenting skills. I gave six choices:

Enrolled in a parenting class
Read a book on parenting
Consulted with a parenting coach
All of the above
None of the above
Other

An overwhelming 80% responded with “other” and then stated that they relied on their common sense, instincts and prayer!

Now don’t get me wrong, no one believes in or relies more on prayer than I do. If you have been following me for any length of time you know my family and I just endured the near loss of my grandson Zach and even the doctors agree that he has angels watching over him because medically speaking he should not have survived! And I recently wrote an article on the value and importance of our parenting instincts. You can read it here.

However, with that being said, I have to ask you to stop a minute and think about this question.

"Why do we understand and accept the need to educate ourselves in order to obtain the necessary skills to perform whatever duties are required in our chosen profession and not place the same importance on the proper skills needed to raise our children?"

Life is a constant series of learning…full of times where we need to obtain skills to be able to succeed. We seek out instruction and guidance to do everything from learning to ride a bicycle as a child to managing a checking account when we get our first paying job. Driving a car requires taking classes and the ability to pass a test. Qualifying for specific professions requires a certain amount of college education. Nurses attend several years of training to be able to properly care for patients, lawyers are required to not only attend many years in college but in addition must pass an exam that is no easy feat, and even chefs obtain high levels of training if they want to be hired by the best restaurants! These people don’t just rely on their instincts or pray that they will be able to care for the sick, obtain justice for the innocent or prepare a fabulous meal that puts their eatery on the map!

The sad fact is, for the most part, many parents do not feel compelled to purposefully seek instruction or guidance when it comes to raising their children. There is a common feeling that because they love their children they will automatically know what is best and how to raise them.

Earlier we looked at things we know…things that just are and out of our control. Now let’s look at what we can do to prepare our children to be successful and happy despite the things that are out of our control.

Teach them healthy communication skills
Teach them problem solving skills
Teach them critical thinking skills
Teach them power of their thoughts
Teach them to choose what is positive
Guide them to have a healthy self-esteem
Encourage their individuality
Inspire them to discover their passion
Teach them to rely on their own internal guidance
Model to them a love of life and love of self

Now ask yourself, “Do I have the knowledge and the skills to guide and teach these things to my children?” If your answer is yes then I applaud you and congratulate you because your children have an increased chance of creating the life they were meant to live and deserve to have. If your answer is no or if you aren’t completely sure I urge you to take the necessary steps to educate yourself in order to pass on those things that will hugely impact the quality and substance of your children’s lives.

These are not qualities that involve morals or values that can be unique to each family. These are life skills that when not understood and implemented can dramatically influence the level of success and happiness experienced in life.

There is a huge disservice done to our children when we do not place as much time, energy and money into developing and improving our parenting skills the same way we do to achieve success in all other areas of life.

My love for your children is what fuels my passion. My heart breaks every time I learn of a situation where a child suffers because they do not have the skills to successfully meet the challenges life brings or because they have a limited mindset that was inadvertently passed down from previous generations.

Imagine your child feeling so confident in himself that no bully could affect him. What would it feel like to see your child maneuver his way through problems that send other children into depression or despair or worse…leads them to drugs or suicide?

Don’t your children deserve the information and understanding that fills them with a love for life and for themselves so that they believe in their ability to be, do and have all they desire?

I urge you to take a step in the direction of self-examination to be sure you have a positive parenting mindset that will serve the well-being of your children. Whether it is through my publications or someone else’s …
make today the day to begin!

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Your Parenting Instincts Can Only Take You So Far!

denny hagel — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 23:59:40 +0000

As part of the Divine order and by way of our physical design the intention is for human beings to bear children and reproduce. And with that, for the most part, we come equipped with the natural instinct to protect our children from any possible physical harm. Most parents feel compelled to place the needs of their children first. There is a willingness to sacrifice if need be to do what is necessary to honor their needs first.

Instinctively we know that without proper nourishment the quality of life will be impaired if not cease. There are parents who serve their children first at meal time and make do with what is left for themselves. I personally know parents without medical insurance who ignore their own physical ailments in order to have the money to take their children to the doctor should the need arise. And we have all heard of stories where parents have rushed into burning buildings to save their children…

In my mind these things are all commendable signs of good, caring, loving and devoted parents. And I don’t know of anyone who would argue that point.

Although providing the basic needs of nourishment and physical care and protection are at the core of parental responsibility, parents must recognize that following our instincts to provide these needs are only a part of what our children require to grow up to be healthy well-rounded successful adults.

What is gained from our parent’s instinctual acts is what provides for our physical existence in life but what about the life skills that will determine the quality and level of joy and happiness in life that is unique to each person.

For example:

Healthy communication skills
Problem solving skills
Positive thinking skills
Healthy self-esteem
Identifying our passion
Fulfilling our dreams

As parents, unless we purposefully take steps to educate ourselves we can only pass on to our children what was passed on to us. Typically these are the skills, thoughts, ideas and beliefs that are passed on from generation to generation without much thought…but what if what gets passed on is clouded by the personal experiences of others?

When we do not intentionally seek information and knowledge to be sure we are modeling positive and healthy information to our children we are limiting their skills to what our parents and grandparents were aware of.

We must ask ourselves, “What if what we perceive as normal and acceptable is only because that is what we saw through what was modeled to us, but are actually things that can be limiting or negative?"

Unless we make it a point to interrupt the cycle of passed down information and beliefs we can expect no better for our children than what our parents, grandparents or in some cases even what we experienced.

Life is about learning and growing to be the best we can be. If our children are confined to the awareness and experiences of generations passed we can be confident that the outcome and quality of life will be the same. And for some lucky ones that just might be an amazing life…But if you are from a family whose life skills fell short and jeopardized the quality and level of true joy and happiness don’t you owe it to your children to stop the cycle?

Think of one thing that you wish had been different in your childhood. I bet you intentionally took steps to ensure it did not repeat itself in your children’s lives.

The key is to understand that the obvious experience that came to mind is only what is in your conscious awareness. The secret is to examine and uncover what lies in your subconscious mind. These are the things that are out of your awareness but are most often the answer to conflicts and challenges parents face when raising their children. More importantly these are the things that will influence your children and when negative will impact their ability to create the life they desire and deserve.

Are your children at risk of living their lives based on limiting beliefs? Don’t they deserve better? Take the time and make the effort to be sure…

Awakened Parenting is delighted to offer several publications that are
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The Positive Side of Our Negative Economy…And It’s Affect on Our Kids!

denny hagel — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 14:16:24 +0000

Did you know that the current state of our economy can actually be a good thing for our kids?

Now, before you start mumbling and grumbling that I have lost my mind, let me explain. And let me begin by saying that I do not think families who are struggling financially, losing their jobs, homes and way of life is a good thing… but maybe, just maybe, something positive is coming out of all of this!

Here’s what I mean…

For a very long time in our society it has required two incomes to support what we have determined is the desired all-American lifestyle. And what that has meant to our children is that both parents have held jobs outside the home. In order to do that, children either spend their time in daycare or alone after school. I don’t know of any parent that has been truly comfortable with that. In fact, most parents would say they would prefer to be at home with their children if only they could.

As a result of the decline in our economy many many parents have lost their jobs. Families are back to living on one income. And they are struggling financially not only because their income is cut in half, but because the cost of living continues to increase.

Because of the scarcity of jobs, millions of parents are leaning toward finding a way to earn a living from home as an online entrepreneur. In fact, I recently read that billionaire Donald Trump stated that the answer to the devastating unemployment rate was not going to be found in the creation of jobs but in the realm of entrepreneurship. And the good news is in fact that many are indeed finding greater financial success on line than they had before the decline of our economy.

The added unexpected benefit is that many children now have a parent at home full-time!

Just in my area alone I have noticed an increase in the involvement of parents as volunteers at the public schools. More parents are in the stands at sporting events and more are showing up at parent-teacher conferences.

Because we live in a lake-region we have several public playgrounds and parks that I pass by on my way to town. It struck me the other day how many families are using the parks lately. Moms and Dads pack up their lunches and bring their children to the park to enjoy the playground equipment and beaches. After school parents can be seen riding bicycles in and around the parks with their children and some even making an attempt to learn to skateboard up and down the ramps! (Yep, I even tried my hand at it!)

The shift that is being made is unwanted and difficult but the hidden silver lining is that in the end many of today’s families are coming out on the other side having much more than they began with. They are finding new ways to earn money sharing their gifts and talents creating businesses online from the comfort of their home which is allowing them the blessing of being able to be present and more involved in their children’s lives!

This new lifestyle is creating the time and energy parents have always wanted to be able to be the parent their children deserve. There is no substitute for time when it comes to raising children who are emotionally healthy and balanced.

Sometimes what we think is the worst possible thing to happen in our lives turns out to be the greatest blessing. And as we all know, we live in a world of attraction…when we look for good in every situation, focus on and be grateful for what is positive, we will attract more of what is good and positive.

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Miracles Are Not as Obscure As You Think!

denny hagel — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:26:29 +0000

As I write this today, on Easter Sunday, many are celebrating the miracle of the resurrection of Jesus…some see this monumental event as the greatest miracle of all. In fact, for those who are practicing Christians this is the true testament our faith is based on. But, for many, this miracle our Father presented to us, that we have chosen to believe in and use as the cornerstone of our approach to life is somehow isolated in our minds. It is viewed as a distant miraculous happening. An obscure event.

However, even as a child I had a difficult time rationalizing this theory. I always wondered why miracles would stop there…over two thousand years ago. If miracles are possible why wouldn’t they continue to happen? And then I began paying attention in my life. As a result I saw glimpses of miracles almost every day. They might not be on the global scale of Jesus rising from the dead, but they were unexplainable things.

The first miracle I remember happening was when I was very young and my younger sister was born and I overheard the doctor telling my parents that the fact that she survived a difficult birth was a ‘miracle’.

The next one that comes to mind happened when I was around 8 years old. My dad came home from work for lunch white as a ghost and covered in blood. He had just witnessed a horrible car crash where a car flipped and the woman driving was thrown from the car with the car landing on its side on top of the woman severing her arm. My dad experienced super human strength and was able to lift the car and pull the woman to safety, retrieving her severed arm. We later found out the doctors had been able to re-attached her arm and she regained full use. It was attributed to my father's quick actions. This may not seem that unusual in today’s medical world but this happened back in the early 60’s.

Another miracle was the events that transpired almost like clockwork that provided me with the courage to break free from a violent physically abusive relationship where my life was threatened at gun point on a regular basis. I consider the fact that I woke up one day after several years of abuse determined to stand my ground and fight back, leaving the outcome to God, a miracle because within months of me getting out, my abuser’s next partner landed in the hospital fighting for her life with a fractured jaw, nose and ribs.

My point in sharing all of this with you is to encourage you to examine the events of your life…things you have witnessed and lived through. Challenging times come and go and we are naturally grateful when the outcomes are positive. But when we view them from a greater perspective and realize that in one split second any change in even the most minor detail could have affected our lives in a very different way, we must view them as miracles.

Miracles do not have to be on the level of world altering events, they are not as obscure as one might think…not when you know what you are looking for!

What miracles have happened in your life?

Please scroll down and share in our comment section…Thanks!

Have You Checked Your “Parenting Compass” Lately?

denny hagel — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 01:18:19 +0000

This past week I randomly chose 20 people who follow me and sent them an email asking them to choose one word to describe the most important thing they hoped to instill in their children. I also posted this on face book as well. (You may have been one who responded and if so I thank you for sharing!) The replies covered everything from ‘service’ to ‘integrity’ to ‘honesty’ and a whole host of traits in between.

I did this for a specific reason. Often parents get so caught up and busy in the business of daily life that they forget to check their long term goals when it comes to raising their children. I refer to this as our “Parenting Compass”. And if we lose track of our steps along the way it is easy to find ourselves off course headed in a direction that will not serve our intention.

Being clear about what we believe is important for our children to learn provides us with a specific road map to follow. If you want to make a cake that calls for 2 cups of flour you won’t get the results you want by using 2 cups of sugar! It is as simple as that. If you want your child to understand the value of honesty and yet lie to them even on occasion there is a good chance your child will not hold truth-telling in a very high regard.

For example, for me, it is responsibility, personal responsibility to be more specific. I feel very strongly that at the root of having the life one desires is having a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives. My parents believed that and I have held to the same with my family.

Because personal responsibility was high on my parent’s list they made it a point to raise me with an understanding that with every choice and decision I made would be consequences; they could be good or bad. My parents saw their role in my life as sounding board to my ideas and thoughts and then offer possible options and consequences for me to consider.

The key was that they took it one step further and once the discussion had taken place they allowed me to make my own decision and follow through with my choice. They were fully prepared to allow me to ‘experience’ my choice and endure what followed. (Of course this did not include times that were potentially harmful) But times when any kind of danger was not a possibility I was left to learn through what I experienced.

I remember when I was around 9 years old and feeling very strongly that I didn’t need to get up as early as my parents felt I should to be able to get ready for school and be on time. They explained how much time it took for me to do all that was necessary to be able to get to the bus-stop. They offered a suggestion that if it was difficult for me to get up so early in the morning perhaps I needed to go to bed earlier the night before. I didn’t like that idea for sure. I was pretty stuck on my belief that I could get up later and still have plenty of time to be ready and catch the bus. My parents then explained that should I choose to get up later and not be ready and missed the bus they were not willing to drive me to school.

My Dad had to go to work and my Mom had my younger brothers and sisters who would need to have their morning routine affected in order for her to drive me to school. Therefore, should I miss the bus it would mean I would miss school. And if I didn’t go to school I would need to spend my day doing some form of academics at home that my Mom would create for me…looking up words in the dictionary, practicing my math or spelling words etc.

That was all they said. Their tone was always ‘matter of fact’ with no emotion…as if they were explaining the rules to a game. Their main concern was that I fully understood all that went with whatever choice I made.

In this particular situation I chose to follow my conviction. The first day went well. I made the bus fully fed and clean and clothed. The second day was not so good. In fact I missed the bus the next three days in a row. Each day as I walked back in from the bus stop announcing to my Mom that I had missed the bus she would simply say, “Oh, I’m sorry…pull out your math or spelling etc. and I will let you know when it is lunch-time.”

There were times during the day that I would try to leave my desk and venture into wherever my siblings were to join in on what they were playing. My Mom would remind me that I was home as a result of my choice but I was still required to spend my day learning whether I was at school or at home.

On the fifth day I decided to get up early! I knew I didn’t want to miss the bus or school again. I missed seeing my friends and I didn’t like having to sit at my desk in my room at home while my siblings were having fun!

I don’t believe I have ever heard a truer statement than ‘experience is the best teacher’. I think most people would agree. The problem, however, is that parents have a hard time accepting the fact that part of any experience is what follows…the consequences. Many times this occurs because of a time factor. Other times, it is a lack of patience. Typically, however, it’s because parents do not want to see their children “suffer” unpleasant situations.

My desire to sleep later in the morning could have been met by parents simply saying “No!” and then telling me all the reasons why it was a bad idea, however, as any child would, my response would have most likely been to argue my point all the more. This would have no doubt led to upset and turmoil and left me feeling resentful toward my parents.

Because I was allowed to live through the consequences I learned that my choice wasn’t a very good one after all. I didn’t feel any negative feelings toward my parents because they were not involved in the way things transpired. In fact, there was very little discussion about the subject when I decided to get up early as I had done before. If I recall correctly, my Mom said something to the effect of “Well at least you know now what works best for you.”

My parents wanted me to know from a very early age that my life would reflect the choices I made. They had a clear vision of what that would entail as I grew up and stuck to what they believed would teach me to take responsibility for my decisions.

Whatever you feel is important for your children to learn be sure you are implementing the skills and tools everyday for them to absorb in order to achieve the big picture goal. And that includes the consequences! Have you checked your “parenting compass” lately?

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How to Protect Your Children from Negative Outside Influences

denny hagel — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 22:34:40 +0000

The negative outside influences of sex, violence and drugs has taken over our society on every level. Sexual innuendos and horrific violent acts mostly fueled by the use of illegal drugs have become the accepted ingredients for entertainment in music, movies, TV shows, video games and books. As a result of these negative influences today’s generation is adopting these attitudes and behaviors. It is showing up in the way our children choose to dress, take on responsibility and approach life.

Parents are frightened and looking for answers!

And to millions of parents it feels like a battle that can’t be won. From the actions of so called public role models to the clothes manufacturers offer it seems as though everywhere we turn we are barraged with what is demoralizing and desensitizing our children.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I do know that if there is going to be a change it will have to start with us, the parents, and it will need to begin at home. The bottom line is that we need to accept that we cannot control what others do. We cannot directly affect the choices others make concerning what is produced and offered in the world. But what we can do is to put all of our efforts into tipping the scales of influence in our children’s lives to ensure we are influencing them in a much greater way.

Key steps to establishing your influence:

1. Model what you want to see in your children. Children get 90% of their information about themselves and the world around them from their parents. And we all know they pay more attention to what they see us do rather than what we tell them to do!

2. Engage in conversations with your children about what you feel is appropriate and give your reasons. When you can offer valid reasons to back up your thoughts and beliefs you have a greater chance of influencing them.

3. Begin at an early of an age as possible to create a bond of trust between you and your child so they will respect your opinions. When children truly understand you are on their side looking out for their good rather than simply wanting to control them they are open to what you feel.

4. When discussing any choice or decision with your child take on the role of a sounding board. Always begin by listening to their ideas and thoughts and then offer options being clear about the possible consequences of their choices and be brutally honest…don’t sugar coat!

The goal for parents is to make your influence on your children so strong and solid that even though the world around them operates in negative attitudes and activities they will have the fortitude to stand strong and not be swayed. That is not to say they won’t be curious from time to time. Even the most well-rounded level minded children will want to experiment on occasion with what they see the rest of the world doing, especially their peers.

Because my granddaughter, Kaitlyn, age 14, has always lived in Florida, water sports are a huge part of her life. We have always been blessed to have a pool in our backyard and a boat that we keep in a marina on the Gulf coast. Very seldom has a day gone by that Kaitlyn hasn't at some point had a bathing suit on. Almost daily she does a few laps in our pool and on weekends we are most always out on our boat where she is addicted to snorkeling! Understanding very early on that this would be our lifestyle I knew her bathing suit wardrobe would out number her jeans wardrobe! I was also keenly aware of the choices and styles that are seem acceptable to the majority of people.

Until this past year Kaitlyn only wore one piece bathing suits. When she was very young and we would shop for bathing suits I would offer her the choice of anything she wanted in the one piece style. I didn’t care what the color or the pattern was; I let that be her choice. I did the same for myself…sticking only to one piece selections. As she got older it was automatic for her to go straight to the one piece rack. I remember one time she pulled out a two piece for me and I explained that I didn’t want to be concerned about whether or not what I was wearing would stay in place so I preferred the one piece style. I explained that bathing suits needed to be chosen for their comfort for active swimmers like us.

And then one day last year Kaitlyn asked about having a bikini! She had a pool party for her friends at the beginning of the school year and noticed that most all of her friends had bikinis. Never wanting to simply dictate and impose my preferences, I told her we would go to the mall where she could try some on.

Once in the dressing room trying on the suits she had chosen, Kaitlyn called me to the stall she was in. Standing there in a typical scantily clad bikini, she said, “What do you think?” I just smiled and asked her why she called me back to the stall and didn’t come out to the sitting area to show me as she normally does when she is trying on clothes. She sort of giggled and said, “Well, because this feels like I am wearing underwear!” I giggled with her and then asked, “Then how would you feel wearing this out on the beach?” Right then she knew that this was not going to work for her. I suggested looking for a two piece that was not bikini style. She really liked that idea.

As you can see she chose a really cute one! (Kaitlyn and her brother Zach at Caldesi beach)

The point was that I wanted her to reach this decision based on what she felt was right and appropriate and going out in public feeling as though she was wearing her underwear did not feel comfortable to her. I was very happy that the influence I had on her was greater than the influence of what was popular with most of her friends.

It is important for parents to always remember the power they have in their children’s lives. Although the influences of the outside world may seem overwhelming, the fact is if we, as parents, make a concerted effort to utilize that power to influence them by planting seeds along the way of what is positive and negative our children will be more resilient to negative outside influences.

Our children automatically look to us for their information, that is a given. The next step is for parents to be there modeling and offering what is good and positive through a secure, strong, trusting and safe home environment for them to identify with.

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How to Help Your Teen Overcome Personal Image Issues

denny hagel — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 20:58:21 +0000

In order to help your teen overcome personal image issues it is important to first gain an understanding of what they are thinking and feeling. It is no secret that a teenager’s emotions can run deep and sometimes rampant. There are several factors that contribute to this. However, the primary engine that fuels this roller coaster ride is the all of the changes they are experiencing physically. Tied closely to these physical hormonal changes are the up and down emotions.

When you add to their unpredictable emotional actions and reactions the purpose of the teenage years, that it is a time of transition from childhood to adulthood; you have a recipe for conflict and chaos. Teenagers are in the process of leaving behind the accepted childlike attitudes and behaviors and are expected to take on those of young adulthood. They are changing. And this can be extremely unsettling and at times confusing. They are in essence pulling from all they have gleaned from their lives up to this point to “become” who they are. They are searching not only for “who they are” but “who they want to be”.

As human beings we all seek comfort and support during challenging times with those we identify with or are sharing the same struggle. Teenagers look to their peers because they view them as people who understand what they think and feel…and so they want to be a part of them. They want to be accepted and they want to fit in.

What is happening on the inside is confusing, often scary and can create feelings of being somewhat out of their control. But when they look in the mirror and see their physical self they feel they have the power to purposefully effect what happens.

Clothes, hair, make-up, jewelry are all things they CAN control. And for the most part these are the things that are judged by their peers to determine if they fit in or not. For this reason, during this period, they are painfully aware and acutely focused on what they look like and can become highly critical of themselves.

For parents of younger children the most effective way to help your child feel good about their physical appearance when they reach their teen years is to begin at a very young age guiding them to value themselves and others based on the type of person they are. Placing importance on kindness, compassion, sincerity, honesty, trust and love is a good way to do this. It is equally important to engage in conversations discussing the uniqueness of everyone. Pointing out and celebrating the differences in people will help them develop an attitude that we are all different by Divine design and that this is a good thing.

The key is to help them understand their value and to love themselves by demonstrating how much we love them and value them. When we can help our children create a strong foundation of acceptance and admiration for themselves and others for who they are on the inside, what they see on the outside will not carry as much weight.

My granddaughter, Kaitlyn, age 14, is a naturally beautiful girl. Since she was born she has constantly received comments on her physical beauty. Often times to the point that her grandfather and I would consciously interject and add, “She is actually more beautiful on the inside!” because we did not want Kaitlyn to feel her physical beauty was as important as portrayed through the compliments and reactions of others. We have also instilled in Kaitlyn that her physical appearance is not of her doing…she played no part in the fact that she has naturally blonde hair or the fact that she is tall and slender or that she has uniquely dark brown eyes. She does understand, however, that she is solely responsible for how she treats others and approaches life and what choices she makes every day.

That does not mean that Kaitlyn does not want to wear the latest fad in clothing or even experiment with different hairstyles just like her friends. She absolutely does! Again, it is about choosing the battle and being aware of a sense of balance in where they place the greatest importance.

For those whose children are in the throes of the teenage years and are currently struggling with personal image issues the same approach must be taken. Their level of self-esteem is critical.

Parents can effectively impact this by:

Being alert to what your child does that is positive and good and offering PRAISE!
During appropriate times offer compliments on their unique qualities.
Point out times when you are impressed with a choice they have made.
Offer as much praise for their efforts as you do for their triumphs.
Ask for their thoughts and advice adding that you respect their opinions and judgement skills.
If there is something your teen is good at ask them to teach you! (re:computer skills!)

What is important is that you help them redirect their focus away
from what they look like on the outside to who they are on the inside.

Kaitlyn has always been very tall for her age and has subsequently stood heads above her friends. Realizing that this could become an issue for her as she grew up we made it a point to comment on how fast she can run because of her long legs or remarked at how awesome it was to have someone in the family who could always reach high places! Several times over the years I have heard her friends talking about not liking their height, whether they were short or tall it didn’t matter…during every single occasion however, I heard Kaitlyn say “I like being tall!” in a matter of fact way.

We are all a product of each and every experience and opportunity in our lives. It is the same for our teenage children. When we raise them from early on to take responsibility for who they are as a person by way of their decisions and choices they adopt a true sense of esteem and pride in themselves. The solution to successfully dealing with one’s physical image issues comes from loving who we are on the inside. And it is never too late to begin!

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Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members. She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens:Conflict Prevention/R esolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".

Are You an Accessible Parent?

denny hagel — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 23:15:56 +0000

Every parent wants their children to reach toward them, confide in them and rely on them when they are facing challenges, regardless of their age. The question we need to ask ourselves is are we sending the message loud and clear that we are accessible?

Let’s face it; life is busy and chaotic for most families. We struggle to schedule all the needs and wants of each family member around maintaining full time jobs, household responsibilities and family duties. If you are like me most days feel like a marathon race and at the end of the day I am grateful that all the pieces (or most) have fallen into place…only to wake up the next day prepared to do it all over again!

So if we are living our lives at break-neck speed and our child is in need of our time for guidance and support we must make it clear to them that they and whatever they are struggling with does and always will trump all else.

But how do we do that? How do we instill in them that during those times we want them to interrupt the purposefully orchestrated flow of our day because they are priority? In a perfect world we could teach our children to simply raise their hand like they do in school and just say “I need you now!” But when it comes to issues of life often children are not comfortable with bringing attention to themselves for support and guidance. In fact, frequently they are not equipped to recognize their need for help as they try to make sense of whatever it is they are struggling with.

And as hard as we try to pay attention and be alert to what is happening with them we can’t always be with them 24 hours a day. And even when we are, even the best of us are frequently so preoccupied with providing the basic necessities in life that we can easily miss the red flags and whistles that something is not as it should be.

The most important thing we can do is to purposefully create the kind of relationship with our child through conversations beginning at a very early age that we are their biggest supporter. This can be accomplished by placing value and importance on what happens in their lives.

For instance:

When your three year old is upset because he can’t ride his tricycle on the road with his 12 yr old brother taking the time to explain the reasons why this is not possible rather than just saying no will send the message that you care about his feelings.

Or when your 10 yr old is left out of a group activity among his friends you make a point to express your sorrow and help him work through his sadness and feelings of rejection you are sending the message that you are there to help him work through situations that are hurtful to him.

And when your 14 yr old comes home from school obviously upset you greet her with a warm loving hug asking if she would like to share what is on her mind you are sending the message that you are on her team…that you are interested in what goes on in her world.

All of these types of conversations serve to create an atmosphere that makes it clear that your deepest desire is to help them and that when they need you, being there for them is what is most important in your life…that they matter.

Everyone needs someone to turn to and rely on. We, as parents set the tone of our relationship with our children. Through conversations, our actions and reactions our children learn that we are their place of safety and comfort. To not do so is risking the inevitability that they will choose someone else and that person may not be someone who is in their best interest.

It is a naïve parent who chooses to believe that their children “should” know to come to them with their problems by simple virtue of the fact that they know they are loved.

One of the most important elements in your relationship with your children is to keep your children close emotionally and to accomplish that you must do all you can to be sure they know you are there by always being accessible.

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