Why Won’t My Son Behave Like His Siblings?
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Welcome to this issue of
"Invitation to ASK!"  This issue's topic is "Why Won't My Son Behave Like His Siblings?" |
A Concerned Parent Asks…
“I have 3 children, ages 8, 10 and 15. My oldest and youngest children seem to be doing really well. They do well in school and don’t cause many problems at home. My middle child has always been a problem both at home and in school. He refuses to help out at home like his brothers do, he argues with everyone over everything and I get reports from his teacher that he gives her problems because he does things that he knows is against her classroom rules like talking out and getting out of his seat when she is teaching. I don’t understand why he is so different than his brothers. We have always treated our boys the same and love them the same. Can you help?”
Response…
I can help, first by sharing with you that your middle son is displaying typical symptoms of being the “middle” child. What that means is that children in the middle of the family birth order commonly “act out” because they feel they need to fight for an important place in the family.
Keep in mind that this does not need to be true. What is important to remember is that this is how he perceives his situation and regardless of your perception, you need to respect his feelings and approach the situation from his point of view. In fact this is where a lot of the frustration comes in to play. Parents cannot see the validity in their child’s feelings; therefore they do not address it.
The solution is to build up his feeling of value within the family. Your 15 yr old holds the important role of being the “oldest” and with that comes certain enviable things that your middle son feels he should get as well. These can be anything from a later bedtime to social functions without supervision. Your 8 yr old is considered the baby of the family which lends itself typically to less stringent expectations. All of these are different in each family; however, the message is the same for middle position children.
Look for ways to create unique situations for your 10 yr. old. Allow him more privileges in certain areas that you do not offer to either of his brothers. This, again, will be something you will need to determine that will fit in your family with your sons.
When children purposefully do things that they know are not acceptable, like his behavior in school it is always a cry for attention. To a child, attention is attention regardless if it is positive or negative.
By finding ways at home to help him perceive his role in the family as just as special and important as his brothers, you will soon see his needs met and his behavior in school will improve.