• Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • Rachelle

    Giving kids choices is a win win situation for everyone!

  • http://www.thechoicedrivenlife.com Olga

    Great article and great examples of giving childen an empowerment in their own life. So good that you pointed out that they could choose this or that. Thanks!

  • http://lyndeutsch.com Lyndeutsch

     “If you are frustrated by the stubborn uncooperative defiant attitude you are seeing in your child, remove the atmosphere of controlling. ” Excellent article!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    Thanks Lyn!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    I appreciate your comment…allowing children to choose the smaller things in life also gives them practice for when they must make more important choices…as we know with every choice is a consequence…either positive or negative and all provide wonderful lessons!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    Totally agree!!:)

  • Jen

    LOVE this article Denny!  Thanks for bringing to the light an issue that I think all parents can use some guidance on!  Wonderful!

  • http://twitter.com/McKennaGordon McKenna Gordon

    Yes, oh YES I am struggling with a stubborn child. Thank you very much for this.

  • http://twitter.com/McKennaGordon McKenna Gordon

    Yes, oh YES I am struggling with a stubborn child. Thank you very much for this.

  • http://twitter.com/McKennaGordon McKenna Gordon

     Okay, so what about in situations where I really can’t have my son make the choice? We’re outside playing, for example. Dinner’s in the oven, and it’ll be done in 10 minutes. I give him a 10 minute reminder, then a 5, 3, 2 and 1 minute reminder that it will be time to come in (he’s 4, and he hyper-focuses on whatever he’s doing and has a REALLY hard time switching gears, even if we’re switching to something he loves to do.)

    At each time reminder, he says “Okay, mom, sounds good” and I even sometimes go as far as saying, “So, what will happen in 1 minute?” and he says, “You’re going to tell me it’s time to come in and I’ll say OK and then we’ll go eat dinner.” (I do this because he often doesn’t listen to what I’m saying and then seems genuinely surprised when it’s time to come in.)

    So all this leading time seems great, but then when it’s actually time to come in, the tantrum is often out of control. He screams, hits, scratches, bites, anything he can to keep from coming in. We remain calm. Sometimes it means I need to carry him in, holding his arms so he can’t pull my hair out. I’m not angry when this happens – I know he’s not trying to defy ME and that I just need to find the correct way that HE needs me to communicate with him. I just haven’t found that magic method yet.

    By the way, when we come in for dinner and he acts this way, he either gets a time out to cool down for his behavior, OR I’ll sit with him on the couch and hold him gently (yet firm enough to keep him from hurting himself or us) and then we talk about it, hug, and get on with dinner. It’s basically a nightly occurrence.

    We’re doing something completely wrong, obviously. Which I’m fine with admitting! I just really want to find a solution, because obviously there’s something going on in his little world that he’s not at peace with right now. Do you see something glaringly wrong with what I’m doing? Anything standing out?

  • http://twitter.com/McKennaGordon McKenna Gordon

     Okay, so what about in situations where I really can’t have my son make the choice? We’re outside playing, for example. Dinner’s in the oven, and it’ll be done in 10 minutes. I give him a 10 minute reminder, then a 5, 3, 2 and 1 minute reminder that it will be time to come in (he’s 4, and he hyper-focuses on whatever he’s doing and has a REALLY hard time switching gears, even if we’re switching to something he loves to do.)

    At each time reminder, he says “Okay, mom, sounds good” and I even sometimes go as far as saying, “So, what will happen in 1 minute?” and he says, “You’re going to tell me it’s time to come in and I’ll say OK and then we’ll go eat dinner.” (I do this because he often doesn’t listen to what I’m saying and then seems genuinely surprised when it’s time to come in.)

    So all this leading time seems great, but then when it’s actually time to come in, the tantrum is often out of control. He screams, hits, scratches, bites, anything he can to keep from coming in. We remain calm. Sometimes it means I need to carry him in, holding his arms so he can’t pull my hair out. I’m not angry when this happens – I know he’s not trying to defy ME and that I just need to find the correct way that HE needs me to communicate with him. I just haven’t found that magic method yet.

    By the way, when we come in for dinner and he acts this way, he either gets a time out to cool down for his behavior, OR I’ll sit with him on the couch and hold him gently (yet firm enough to keep him from hurting himself or us) and then we talk about it, hug, and get on with dinner. It’s basically a nightly occurrence.

    We’re doing something completely wrong, obviously. Which I’m fine with admitting! I just really want to find a solution, because obviously there’s something going on in his little world that he’s not at peace with right now. Do you see something glaringly wrong with what I’m doing? Anything standing out?

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    You are very welcome Jen, thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    McKenna, As I read your comment I thought I was reading about my daughter when she was that age!! Sounded sooo familiar! I think you are handling it in a very positive way and are not doing anything wrong. That being said, I do have a few suggestions to make it a more successful transition time…let’s connect through email.

  • http://www.PathToLifeSuccess.net Hughie Bagnell

    Thank you Denny! Great article…Hughie

  • AJ

    Nice post. What if the parent is stubborn?

  • http://www.positivecalm.com Solvita

    It is great advise cooperation rather than control! Great article – thank you!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks Denny!  Good info to remember…

  • Joanie McMahon

    Yes indeed, so true about a stubborn child is just a young one who has something deeper that is unexpressed.

  • laurabbaker

    Great ideas and very thought provoking.

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    I appreciate your comment Laura!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    Thank you Solvita!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denny.hagel Denny Hagel

    Thanks AJ…same principle applies, a stubborn parent began as a stubborn child!

  • http://www.ad-virtualassistance.com Anastasiya Day

    Great article and very useful information! Thanks for sharing.

  • Donaldwells

    Hey Denny, this is a great article for community building: what are your top 5 community building strategies?

  • http://micheletremblay.com Michele M Tremblay

    Great suggestions Denny….They come from a deep wisdom in you no doubt.

  • http://www.thepictureofhealth.com Michelle Pearson

    Excellent advice for parents with a stubborn child!  Thanks!

  • Pingback: Parents: How Do You Respond to “I want…” “I want…” “I want…”?

  • Mdholiu

    Ok I’ve got one for you….our daughter who is now 8 is suddenly refusing to get a cavity filled at the dentist, she wont even get out of the car. This is a new reaction for her she has had a filling before and multiple teeth pulled, and she has braces. We have spoken with the school counselor and have implemented the some of the tools,that are discussed in this article. We have explained that she has to get this done otherwise her teeth will rot and have shown her pictures. She has lost privileges and toys and still doesnt care. We have given her options to see another dentist but she wont get out of the car. What can i do to help her through this?

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