Successful parenting is a process of establishing positive patterns in your relationship with your children that will encourage positive results. It is having an understanding that every step builds on the next…it is a process, and cannot be accomplished in a one step exclusionary action. This process begins at birth and continues to grow with new layers added as your children experience the natural developmental stages.
For example, when you take the time to really listen as your 3yr old is crying and upset over a lost toy by comforting her with love and support, you are establishing a pattern of being there for her to share in her upsets or concerns. And then at age 5 or 6, when she is to begin school, she will automatically share her feelings of trepidation because she knows her feelings are important to you. This same child in her teen years will now feel comfortable to cry on your shoulder when the boy she likes decides he likes someone else because the pattern of receiving comfort and unconditional love has been established through the years.
In contrast, a parent who ignored the tears and fears at ages 3 and 6 and then feels frustrated when at 16 her daughter refuses to confide in her about things that are happening in her life cannot expect an occasional show of interest and concern to bridge the gap.
Depending on the patterns established, the results can be positive or negative. And this will determine the dynamics of every situation and scenario that lies ahead.
For instance, last week I posted the following on Face Book:
“Your relationship with your kids won't be a power struggle
UNLESS you participate. Relate rather than dictate! “
UNLESS you participate. Relate rather than dictate! “
To which I received a comment from a parent asking what you should do when you just need your child to put his shoes on and get in the car so that you are not late…and your child simply refuses.
Based on my work with parents for over 25 years, this is not an uncommon situation. Most often parents seek help to understand how to get their children to do something they want them to do when their child is not willing to cooperate. Topics have ranged from something as simple as getting ready to go somewhere, as in the case of the parent who commented on Face Book, all the way to deciding whether or not to go to college.
And all parents who seek assistance, without exception, hope to receive a quick and easy one step answer. They want to know what they need to do to “win” the power struggle they are engaged in with their child. And short of using bullying techniques and fear to “make” your child respond to your wishes, there isn’t a one step solution.
However, I have two very doable steps that I recommend.
The first is to revisit your parenting mindset to be sure you are clear on your role in your child’s life. In doing so, you can re-examine whether or not you are placing your preferences ahead of your child’s. In other words, are you respecting your child’s individuality and allowing them to choose what is right for them or are you imposing your desires onto them?
The second is to look at the patterns you have established. In the case of the child not wanting to put on shoes and get in the car quickly to avoid being late, I would ask if a pattern of healthy communication had been established. In situations like this that can became a bit frantic because of a fear of being late, prior conversations based on respecting other's thoughts and needs would have circumvented a power struggle.
Healthy communication patterns provide the means to be heard and respected. In this case a simple statement of fact, “I really need your help. I need you to put your shoes on and get into the car as quickly as possible so that we are not late for our appointment. Will you help me?”could have quickly impacted the situation.
Children who are accustomed to having their needs and choices respected are quite receptive to offering the same to others. However, if your style of communicating lends itself to more of a “blocking out” and ignoring your child’s thoughts, needs and ideas you will receive the same as well. They learn from what they see in us.
In addition, in this specific situation, I would inquire as to whether or not an honest attempt to find out if the child was objecting to putting his shoes on for a specific reason. Did he not want to go? And why. Did he not want to wear those particular shoes? Perhaps he preferred sandals to shoes.
More often than not children have a specific reason for rebelling. The key is to uncover that reason and deal with that. Rebellion is typically a symptom for an underlying problem. Again, through healthy communication, a solution can be found.
Successful parenting is creating a cooperative relationship with your children through a series of steps that results in mutual respect and honor.
Key components to a establishing a cooperative pattern
in your relationship will begin with your ability
to communicate in a positive way:
in your relationship will begin with your ability
to communicate in a positive way:
- Are you asking or ordering?
- Have you explained the situation to your child?
- What messages are you sending to your child through your tone of voice, body language and attitude?
- If they object are you listening to them as much as you are speaking to them?
NOTE: My comments are in no way directed to the parent who commented on Face Book as I have no first-hand information of their particular situation. It is used merely as an example.
The important thing for you to remember is that patterns are developing every day in your children and in your relationship with them even without your awareness or intentional input. The good news is that it is never too late to intentionally begin to develop healthy patterns. If you are finding yourself struggling with your child more often than not, I urge you to make today the day to begin to establish positive patterns. Regardless of the current age of your child, your relationship with them will be for a life-time.
I have created a program that covers the two critical areas
that impact not only your success as a parent but the quality
of your relationship as well.
that impact not only your success as a parent but the quality
of your relationship as well.
The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: Conflict Prevention/Resolution Formula
is designed to get parents and their teens back on track;
however the information is also adapted to benefit
children of all ages.
Whether your child is 2, 12 or 20 the information
in this program provides you with the tools
and skills to establish positive patterns of
respect, trust and cooperation.
in this program provides you with the tools
and skills to establish positive patterns of
respect, trust and cooperation.
Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 60 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 24 countries.
Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives
She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.
Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has over 600 members. She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting", "The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: Conflict Prevention/Resolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".
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